scrubbag

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "You don't know them. They're just friends that I'm going Christmas shopping with."

I have never approached the subject with my wife. Maybe deep down I just didn't want to know the truth. But last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I parked my Harley Davidson motor cycle next to the garage and then hid behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street to see who brought her home.

It was at that moment that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine of my Harley were leaking oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

A man rushes into his house and hollers at his wife…

“Hey, guess what…I just won the Powerball lottery,

$120 million dollars…. Pack your bags”

“”Oh, that’s great, Honey… where we going?”

“We are going to tour the world and really live it up,

just the two of us.”

...come on, people, what did you expect, the same old answer?

Fred meets Joe, who is on crutches, on the street, and says,

“Hey Joe how you doing? I don’t mean to be nosy, but you

look like a truck ran over you? You’re a mess”

“I was out playing golf, Fred. You know how I much like to play golf, don’t you?”

“Yeah, Joe.. I know how much you like golf… but what happened?”

“Well Fred, I watched this lady tee off, and watched her ball go over the fence

into a ranchers field, near some cows. Then, I teed off, and darn if my ball didn’t

go into the same field. I was just not paying attention. So, I climb the fence, and

look for my ball, and about ten minutes later I see a ball. But I know my ball,

and that ball was not mine.”

“Oh, okay, Joe, so you find a ball, and it isn’t yours, so then what?”

“Well, I notice that the lady is getting closer to where I am, and she is still

looking for her ball, so being a nice guy, I try to help her.. you know me, Fred,

I like to help people.”

“No, Fred, I got fired from there.”

“Oh that’s to bad, so what happened?”

“Well, I started out working at the warehouse,

running the boxing machine, then after a couple

of months, I transferred and I ran the pickle separator

machine. Then, a month later, I transferred again, to

the pickle slicing machine.

Running a pickle slicing machine is boring, so I

started doing some things I shouldn’t have”

“Yeah, well, like what? Mess with the boss’s wife? Ha ha”

“Almost as bad.. I got caught sticking my member in a Pickle

Washer and the boss said he couldn’t have that here, it's just too dangerous. So I got fired.”

“Wow, that must have been exciting… what happened to the Pickle Washer?”

“Oh, they fired her, too”

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your

headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles

to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of

a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to

remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had

anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the

first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an

important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he

realized that he felt like a different person. He could

make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I

need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the

salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size

44long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

For days, weeks, months or years

we can travel near or far

It is always with us, all the time

no matter where we are

It’s always with us all our life,

at each and every stage,

But we grow old, it’s not like us,

It doesn’t ever age.

It’s been around since time began,

And yet it has no past..oh wow!

It really has no future, but

I know its here, right now.

If these clues do not tell you what it is, I will add some more later.

Johnny’s dad had a bull in a pen with a white cow, so that they would mate. He told Johnny to watch the bull and white cow and to let him know when they mated. His dad was expecting the local preacher to come over that afternoon to pay a visit, so he told Johnny that when the bull and white cow mated, to come in and say “Dad, the bull surprised the white cow”, and the preacher would not be offended. Half an hour after the preacher arrived, Johnny comes running into the living room, and his dad looks at him and says, “Well, Johnny, did the bull surprise the white cow?” “He sure did, dad”, says Johnny, “ the bull jumped the fence and mated with the spotted cow.”

YOU CAN TRAVEL NEAR,

YOU CAN TRAVEL FAR,

IT IS ALWAYS WITH YOU,

NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE

This heres Jeb and Earl Theys a huntin in Northwest Coluraduh.

It is deer season

(shooting at a ranchers horse out in the meadows, at 200 feet)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! Click..... (reload)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! Click..... (reload)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! Click..... (reload)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! Click..... (reload)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! Click..... (reload)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! Click..... (reload)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! Click..... (reload)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! BANG! BANG!

Ouch, damnm barrels gittin hot...

Shucks, Jeb, that were good shootin... you nearly got him....

BANG! Yeeeowww.... mah foott!!

Sorry, Earl... thought the gun was empty..

I have written a few questions, and left spaces for your answers.

Now, take your pencil and sharpen it. Place your pencil on the desk in front of you and we will proceed with the test. Read all questions and the instructions before you mark your answers. Be sure to follow the instructions thoroughly. You may begin.

1.Have you ever cheated on a test? Yes____ No____

2.If Yes, continue to 3. If No, go to 6.

3.If you have cheated on a test, what test was it? ______________

4.Did you cheat on more then one test? Yes____No____

5.What tests were these tests?_______________ ______________

6.Great. You have not cheated on a test, continue to 7

7.Are you normally good at following instructions ? Yes_____ No____

8.If you answered any of the above, you failed this test and did not follow instructions. I did not say to pick up your pencil and mark your paper.

9.If you read all 9 of these before you marked your paper, don’t mark it, leave it blank. You passed the test.

Why did the blond keep going back and forth across the road?

(My answer will be added later)

A man and woman were out on a date and they were making out pretty heavy but wanted to go farther. But they also didn’t want to get caught by the police and fined, as it was illegal to do that in that part of the country.

So the man tells the woman, “Let’s lie down under the car, and if someone comes along and asks, we will tell them we are working on the transmission.”

“Good idea,” says the woman.

So they proceed to crawl under the car, they frantically undress, and then they get after some hot lovemaking.

Soon, a policeman arrives, and asks, “Hey, what are you two doing?”

“Just working on the transmission, Officer, she’s helping me,” says the man.

“Well,” says the cop, “ You had better work on your brakes next…. Your car is at the bottom of the hill.”

Johnny was late for school and entered a few minutes after the class had started. The teacher mildly scolded him and said, “Johnny, you are late for school. What’s your excuse?”

“Well, I had to hurry and make my own breakfast this morning,” Johnny says.

“Okay, Johnny, that’s fine for now. We are studying North American Geography and it has already started. And since you arrived late, you will answer the next question. Johnny, where is the Mexican border.”

“Upstairs with my mom, that’s why I had to make my own breakfast,” Johnny replies.

The teacher told her class that today they would play a game. She would hold something behind her back, describe it and let the class guess what it was. “I am holding something in my hand, that is round and yellow and you can eat it.” “ An orange!”, says little Mary. “No, it was a lemon, but that shows you are thinking,” says the teacher. Johnny stands up with one hand in his pants pocket, and tells the Teacher, “I have something in my hand that is long, hard and has a head on it” “Johnny! You should be ashamed of yourself,” says the teacher. “ Relax," says Johnny," it’s just a wooden match. But that shows you are thinking”.

I was a supervisor working at a power plant. One day, on my rounds, I walked outside, looked at the three inches of freshly fallen snow, and then I noticed some wheel tracks going up to the walk-in doors on one side of the building. The building has six small walk-in doors and two large roll up doors. Curious, I went around to the other side, and there was wheel tracks going up to those walk-in doors. Checking a bit more, I found wheel tracks going to all the walk-in doors, and I wondered what was going on. I see one of my workers wandering around I and ask him. He says he was trying to get the two wheeled wheel barrow inside to do some work, and couldn’t get it through the doors.

I said, “don’t you know that all the walk-in doors are the same size, so if it didn’t go through one of them, it wouldn’t go through any of them.? And besides, the big roll up doors can be opened and you can bring it in that way”. He looked at me kind of weird and said, “Oh, yeah, guess I could have.”

I was working shift work at a power plant and had some days off. When I returned to work, a young blond girl who worked with me, asked me how my days off were and what did I do.

I said to her, “I went shopping at the Macy Department store. And I was riding on the escalator, going up to the next floor, when the motor burned up and the escalator stopped. I was stranded on the escalator, with others. Maintenance said that it would take hours to replace the motor, and that we would need to be patient.”

“That must have been terrible!” she says to me. “How did you manage? You must have gotten hungry and, maybe had to use the bathroom”

“Well, they brought us sandwiches, and coffee,” I said to her. “ And we were allowed to use the bathrooms on the first floor”

“Oh my goodness,” she says, “ I bet you were tired when it was all over. How long did you stay on it.”

“Well, all in all, just over four hours”, I told her. She actually believed me. I later told her the truth.

There was a rumor that a Louisiana man was fishing illegally, catching many fish, but he would not ever get caught at it. So one day, a new game warden, also new to the territory, decided to catch this man at his game, and he went to where the man usually fished. Dressing like an ordinary fisherman, and carrying his fishing pole, he approached the man and asked if he could go fishing with him. The man looked him over, and then said, sure, why not.

So they got into a small row boat and rowed out into the middle of the lake. After a couple of hours of regular fishing, the man decided that the new guy was okay, so he pulls out some dynamite and proceeds to lite it.

The young game warden immediately says to the man, “Mister, I am the new game warden and you are under arrest for illegal fishing.”

The man, holding the lit dynamite, hands it to the game warden, and says, “ you gonna fish or talk?”

A Japanese Officer was standing up in front of a few hundred young Japanese pilots, who were about to go on their first mission. They did not know what the mission was all about, they had not been told. The Officer was trying to explain how it was to be done, the best way he could.

“First, you will get into your planes, and fly out across our great Japan.”

“Then , after an hour or so, you will turn and fly out towards the ocean.”

“When you reach the ocean, you will see the many, many ships of the Yankee dogs”

“Then you will fly to them and pick one out. You will then fly down and aim your plane at the side of ship you picked out, and fly into it, blowing it up..”

“Any questions,please?”

There is a long silence…

The a hand comes up in the back of the room and a young pilot stands up.

The officer asks him, “Honorable Pilot, what is your question?”

“Sir!!” says the young pilot, “ARE YOU CRAZY OR SOMETHING?”

on a dark and misty night, an American pilot, in a badly shot up plane and wounded himself, lands on an aircraft carrier. It’s a miracle that he landed at all, he could hardly see, his eyes filled with blood from a head wound. He climbs out, barely able to walk, staggers over to the Officer on the deck and says,

“Sir, I had two bombs, I flew over Japan and I bombed a Japanese Factory. It went up in a huge ball of fire, killing many Japanese workers. On my way back, I saw a Japanese train, and I flew down and shot it up, using all my ammunition, but I stopped the train, and set it on fire, killing many Japanese soldiers. But they returned fire and I got wounded, and my plane got shot up pretty badly. But I made it back.”

“Ah..So…. you good pirate” Says the Officer.

BATMAN ASKS ROBIN, 'WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU CROSS LAXATIVES WITH HOLY WATER?"

"HOLY CRAP, BATMAN, WHO KNOWS?"