Self-esteem issues. Please help?

Question

There's something that's been bothering me for a really long time now and I never really had the guts to tell or talk to anyone else about it, because I've tried with my mother and I just ended up crying and making her feel bad and worried about me.
The thing is, every time I look at myself in the mirror, all I can point out are the flaws on my face. Even though a lot of people who I don't even know always compliments me and tells me or my parents that I'm pretty, I just can't see it. I feel so sad and helpless and insecure about the way I look and I don't think it's healthy anymore.
I have a weirdly big amount of guys asking me out. I get a lot of marriage proposals from parents who try to set me up with their sons. I've had break-ups with some of my girl best friends along the years because they say they can't stand how 'perfect' I am at everything I do, but they have no idea. They have no idea at how I see myself as. They have no clue at just how ugly I am. All I see are the flaws on my face and how I wish my nose was taller or my eyes were bigger or my face was smaller, etc. I know no one's perfect, but I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm bursting to the point when I actually told my mum I was considering getting surgery when I get older. She said no---definitely no, she will not allow me to change anything on my face because I'm 'already beautiful the way I am'. I mean, of course she'll say that. She's my mother. Now she seems really worried about me and I can feel that she and my brother are getting really bothered by it. They're the only ones who know about it. My brother tells me how when his friends on facebook see our pictures together, they ask who I am and would say I was pretty. He said that his biggest problem shouldn't be about me worrying about the way I look but how to protect me from the guys that seem to be everywhere around me.

It took me a lot of courage to finally post this up. I know it's not normal to be like this, and I'm really worried for myself too. What do you think I should do? Is there any way I can change the way I look at myself? Please help :(

AileneWright · Accepted Answer

Congratulations, you have already taken the first step.  Recognizing you have a problem, posting it and seeking outside counsel is HUGE!

Some respondents will probably advise you to see a therapist.  I have been where you are and I understand that you are not willing to discuss your feelings with a stranger.  Maybe that day will come, but for now you just need a little support.  BTW, if someone suggests antidepressants, DON'T DO IT.  Although, seeing a doctor to rule out a medical problem is a wise course of action.  Moving on.

It is perfectly normal to be your own worst critic, but it sounds as if you see yourself differently than other people do which makes me wonder.  Is it possible that your self criticism goes beyond skin deep?  How are other aspects of your life?  Are you happy with school, friends, social activities and other areas?   If not, then maybe you need to look deeper into the mirror, below the surface so to speak.  Be honest and ask yourself this question.  Will changing my face make all of my problems disappear?  Probably not.  Is your face really the underlying issue?  Probably not.  Are you struggling with guilt?  Have you been hurt or rejected?  Do you have any toxic relationships?

Since you obviously are not ready to talk about your feelings, then you need to do something about them.   The best way to work out your own problems is to help someone else with theirs.  Volunteer at a children's hospital.  Help out at a soup kitchen.  If you'd rather avoid people, perhaps an animal shelter is more appealing.  Whatever your passion, get involved.  Through these acts, you will meet troubled souls from all backgrounds, each with their own problems that make yours seem small and petty.  Your attention will be focused on someone else, so by helping others, you help yourself.  Imagine the joy is seeing a sick child leave the hospital or an abandoned animal going to a good home.  

Hopefully. in time you will realize that you make your own happiness and appearance doesn't really matter at all.  True beauty lies within and finding that beauty and letting it shine brings happiness.

Sara · Answer

Hey there, let me see if I can help ya out. Well for the longest time my friends and family would tell me i was pretty and like you i guess i had NO idea what they were talking about. I dont think i really did anything, but one day i just sorta looked in the mirror and was like wow, i am really pretty. And if everyone is saying you are well then im guessin you probably are quite pretty so im with your mom on the surgery thing. This isnt a physical problem you need surgery to fix, its an emotional problem. That usually requires a combination of time and talking about it. I think its good that you managed up the courage to post this and youre trying to get some help. Its tough to talk to parents some times because you worry that they're worrying about you and sometimes you need an outside person. If youre self esteem starts to hit anywhere nearing depression/bad thoughts then i suggest you consider seein a therapist to help ya out with some of your deeper emotions so that they can help you get to the bottom of why you see yourself that way. Im wonderin if you were always really pretty or its a recent thing. Im thinking maybe my problem was, was that for the longest time i wasnt very pretty so when i finally was i still saw myself the way i used to look. Maybe its something similar like that for you. I think you'll be alright, and that this is probably just a temporary thing that will go away so try not to worry as much as ya can, and try to tell your mom that you're gonna be okay so shes not so worried. If ya need any other help just comment back, i hope this helps you out a bit. :)

Self-esteem issues. Please help?

2 Answers